


Laying Down the Law

by the_random_writer



Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Advice, E-mail, Federal Bureau of Investigation, Gen, Insults, Rules, Sarcasm, Snark, Workplace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 18:26:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14062824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_random_writer/pseuds/the_random_writer
Summary: An email from Dan McCoy to the agents in the Baltimore office, reminding them how they're supposed to behave on the job. No names have been mentioned to protect the guilty, but we all know who he's talking about...





	Laying Down the Law

To all Baltimore Field Office agents,

As a result of last week's concussion-inducing birthday cake incident, it has come to my attention that some members of the Baltimore Field Office team may not be in full compliance with the Bureau's Code of Ethical Conduct and Code of Professional Standards. While the Bureau understands and accepts that minor violations of these codes are almost always harmless, with no cruel or harmful intent, I would like to remind all agents of what is expected of them as responsible, professional representatives of the law enforcement branch of the Federal government.

Over the next two days, you will receive several emails from the Human Resources department containing links to several online training courses. You have until the end of March to complete them. Agents who do _not_ complete all courses by the deadline will be placed on administrative leave.

As well as reminding you of general expectations, I would also like to address some specific instances of irregular conduct, many of which I have witnessed firsthand.

  * Do not threaten to take a co-worker down to the basement to kill them. While we understand that the recipient of the threat may occasionally deserve it, saying it out loud _is_ considered a form of harassment.
  * Do not assault your co-workers. Not even when they eat the apple and pecan pie your mom made for you.
  * In the event you are assaulted by a co-worker, do not fight back. Please lie on the floor in the fetal position and wait for a responsible adult to arrive.
  * The basement is strictly off-limits to all personnel while asbestos abatement is underway. Please adjust your (purely hypothetical) threats to reference the overflow parking garage instead.
  * If you are asked to provide feedback on the Violence in the Workplace training course, do not tell us it was so boring that it made you want to punch somebody in the balls.
  * If a co-worker tells you they think you are a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen, do not take that as a personal challenge.
  * If a co-worker wonders how many Code of Ethical Conduct violations a person can commit in a single sentence, do not take _that_ as a personal challenge, either.
  * We know the Code of Ethical Conduct training is not the most interesting use of your time, but do not attempt to get out of doing it by claiming the content triggers your PTSD.
  * Do not ask a co-worker if they think Jesus regrets dying for them.
  * Do not ask a co-worker to check if your spray tan is even.
  * Do not ask a co-worker who has ginger hair when they sold their soul to the devil and how much they enjoy spreading sin.
  * Do not tell a co-worker they have the same handwriting as your favourite serial killer.
  * Do not email the nurse to ask if she can write you a prescription for 500mg of Fukitol.
  * For legal reasons, we cannot recognize the policy of 'I licked it, so it's mine'.
  * Do not lick spoons, chairs or guns.
  * Please wear underwear in the office. Don't ask us how we know when you don't. This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation—we just do.
  * Do not submit posts to the internal bulletin board looking for advice on good spots to get rid of a body. It doesn't matter if you are only 'asking for a friend'.
  * When we ask you to attend the Sexual Harassment in the Workplace training course, you are not allowed to decline on the grounds you are already an expert at it.
  * If you are asked to provide feedback on the Sexual Harassment in the Workplace training course, do not tell us the hot brunette in the stock photos totally gave you the horn.
  * Do not check, unload, reload, dismantle, clean or play with your firearm during the monthly safety meeting. We all know karma's a raging bitch—don't give it another reason to prove it.
  * Do not demonstrate to a co-worker how high you can karate-kick.
  * If you absolutely _must_ demonstrate to a co-worker how high you can karate-kick, please ensure you are not within kicking distance of any animate or inanimate object.
  * Do not bring your favourite rug into the office. We don't care how nicely it ties your cubicle space together—rugs are extremely serious tripping hazards.
  * Do not touch the document binder, document collator, map plotter or laminator unless you have been trained how to use it.
  * Do not suggest moving the document binder, document collator, map plotter or laminator to the target end of the shooting range. Everyone understands how you feel, but these item are very expensive and we use taxpayer money to buy them.
  * Do not 'accidentally' kick one of the metal trash cans down the stairs. We are legally required to purchase bomb-proof cans, so although they look like cheap pieces of homemade crap, they are actually extremely expensive. If you feel the urge to kick a can, please sign up for an Anger Management course.
  * Just because we offer Anger Management courses does not mean you can refer to the organization as the Federal Bureau of Irritation. Feel free to refer to our sister organization at Langley as the Central Intelligence Ragency.
  * If you are from a hockey state, do not tell a co-worker who is from a football state that football is similar to hockey, except that it's for little bitches.
  * Do not look at your watch then shout 'Holy fuckballs, will this shitty day _ever_ be done?' loud enough for everyone on the floor to hear.
  * Do not answer the phone by saying 'Hello, Fuck My Life Department, how can I help you?'
  * Do not ask to leave work early on the grounds you're coming down with a really bad case of 'Fuck This Whole Place'.
  * You are allowed to complain about a co-worker's behaviour, but please use professional language. Describing a co-worker as a 'window-licking, crayon-eating, helmet-wearing fucktard' is inappropriate and unhelpful.
  * While we understand that rage-crying is therapeutic, please try to do it in private, and limit yourself to one hour per day.
  * Stop telling everyone how much your soul has died since you started working here. You're assuming you actually have a soul.
  * Due to poor employee response, as of next month, the bi-annual psychiatric evaluation will no longer ask you about your relationship with your mother.
  * Do not tell your co-workers that the new microwave in the fourth floor kitchen is voice activated.
  * Do not put up flyers around the building advertising a phone-in Chewbacca Roar Contest which lists the Director's private line as the number to call.
  * To the person who updated the Word document template to auto-correct 'agent' to 'hooker' and 'office' to 'brothel'—we don't know who you are, but we have our suspicions.
  * Stop forwarding the stupid joke email called 'What has the CIA ever done for us'. We don't need to open it to know the email body is blank.
  * If you're offended by the CIA email joke, go back to working for the CIA.
  * If you think the office smells, please contact the Building Services team. Do not handle the 'problem' yourself by tying a zip tie around the trigger of a Febreze canister, shouting 'fire in the hold' and rolling the canister down the hall.
  * Do not tell insulting Marine jokes to agents who are former Marines.
  * If telling an insulting Marine joke to agents who are former Marines results in your violent and painful death, the Bureau may treat it as suicide. Death benefits may not be paid.
  * What do you call a former Marine who can read a book without silently mouthing the words? Staff Sergeant.
  * Why does the Navy allow Marines on ships? Because sheep can't swab a deck.
  * Please stop running games of bullshit bingo in the weekly departmental meetings. There is absolutely no legitimate reason to use the phrases 'greenfield thinking' or 'witlessly generic' in a law enforcement setting. We are not opposed to the appropriate use of 'opportunity rich environment' or 'facilitating mutual success'.
  * For the record, an 'opportunity rich environment' is _not_ one where you get to kill lots of people, and 'facilitating mutual success' does _not_ mean 'you help me get rid of my dead hooker and I'll help you get rid of yours'.
  * Please conduct all serious arguments in English. Do not scream at each other in German, Dari, Pashto, Yiddish, Turkish, Spanish, French, Swahili or Esperanto instead. If we have to listen to you bickering like five-year-old kids, we want to know what the hell you're all saying.
  * When writing internal memos, do not use the word 'fuck' as a comma.
  * We cannot provide a version of Microsoft Office where sarcasm is one of the pre-installed fonts.
  * If you're going to lie to us about why you couldn't come into work, at least put some effort into it. Unless you're adopted, or your family has perfected the art of raising the dead, your mom and dad can only die once.
  * Do not set up a vacuum coffee pot on your desk and joke about making crystal meth. Please drink the complimentary coffee from the staff kitchens instead. It tastes like liquidized crystal meth, and it's strong enough that drinking three cups will give you the power to see through time, so the end result is almost the same.
  * It's your choice, but we personally don't consider Benadryl to be an appropriate substance to add to your coffee.
  * If you hate your job, we have a support group. It's called 'everybody' and we meet every night at five o'clock at the nearest bar.
  * Do not ask a co-worker who smokes if they have ever thought about quitting.
  * Do not ask a co-worker who doesn't smoke if they have ever thought about punching themselves in the face.
  * Do not ask the Accounts Payable group why there is no line item for 'Cocaine and Strippers' in the Extensity expense report system.
  * We encourage you to make good use of the Bureau's internal training courses. We also expect your training course choices to contribute to a specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, time-bounded goal. There is no position _anywhere_ in the organization that requires in-depth knowledge of money laundering techniques, American Sign Language and Agile Project Management at the same time.
  * If you decide it's now part of your job to tell someone else how to do their job, please ensure you actually know how to do their job.
  * When we ask you to submit your personal goals for the year, the final list should _not_ include 'find my fucks', 'slit my wrists' or 'quietly set myself on fire'.
  * Unfortunately, there is no course available anywhere in the world that will teach you how to punch people in the face over an internet connection.
  * The leader of the Fiscal Oversight Team is called Larry. Do not call him Barry, Gary or Harry instead. Anyone who refers to or addresses him as Nathan Junior will be subject to disciplinary action.
  * For the record, Jesus in the Los Angeles office is _not_ the Messiah. He may occasionally be a very naughty boy, but that's a matter for Jesus and Internal Affairs.
  * Do not refer to the Director as 'Der Fuhrer', 'Il Duce', 'The Dark Lord', 'The Supreme Leader' or 'Doctor Evil'.
  * Stop telling us everything's bigger in Texas. This is Maryland—we don't care.
  * You know what's _definitely_ bigger in Texas? The level to which the football teams suck.
  * Don't be too proud of the fact that West Virginia is the state with the highest number of unsolved crimes on the Bureau's books. You can't expect us to solve crimes in a state where everyone has more or less the same DNA.



If you have any questions, concerns or complaints about any of the above advice, or about the mandatory training courses, please contact your assigned Human Resources representative for more information.

Dan McCoy  
**Special Agent in Charge**  
Baltimore Field Office


End file.
